While it may be tempting to let your partner know how stupid you feel they are at times, it is very damaging to your relationship. Partners who criticize each other and frequently personally attack each other are in trouble. All couples can get hostile with each other at times, but when the negativity escalates and is marked by the following four “horsemen,” it is a sign that your relationship is in trouble: The second warning sign is actually a set of behaviors that Gottman has referred to as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These 4 interactions have consistently predicted failure in marriages and so are to be avoided and eliminated at all cost in your relationship.īasically, these four markers can arise in escalating negative interactions and negative patterns that couples find themselves caught in. 2.) “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalpyse” This information may not save your relationship or may not even be possible to implement without more help if you are deep into a hostile pattern with each other, but I think it’s interesting and can be useful. Hopefully the favor will be returned by your partner and you’ll both survive these conflicts with much more ease and keep your relationship out of the trouble zone. If you share a sense of humor, hopefully you can be more playful with each other and maybe joke with her about the issue (as long as it’s not condescending or only funny to you). In other words – when you are arguing with your partner, instead of telling him how stupid he is, try to throw in an “I can see what you’re saying,” or, “ok, that makes sense.” This helps keep your relationship in the safe zone and out of the relationship in trouble zone. Better yet, shoot for an even higher ratio, like 10:1! The take home message is to keep your positivity 5X or greater than your negativity when you are arguing with your partner.

Gottman is able to pin down exactly how much negativity a relationship can tolerate before heading into the danger zone of a relationship in trouble is pretty amazing – and helpful. This may be obvious, but I think the fact that Dr. What this means is that couples in happy relationships tend to be much more forgiving and understanding of each other, even during conflict, significantly moreso than those couples headed for break-up.

That ratio in couples who get divorced is much less – 0.8:1 or less, so there is greater negativity than positivity in similar conflicts. Gottman and his colleagues found that in stable relationships, the ratio of positive to negative during conflict is 5:1, which means there is 5 times as many positive interactions than negative ones in stable couples when they are in conflict. The goal is to keep the scale in favor of how positive we can be. What counts is how much negativity there is in relation to positivity. There is a place in every relationship for anger, hurt and disgust.Īfter all, we’re only human and we all screw up and do things that piss each other off. Let’s face it – all couples, happy and otherwise – have negative feelings in their relationships. The Warning Signs of a Relationship In Trouble: 1.) Negativity significantly outweighs positivity Awareness is key – so talk to your partner about your concerns and see if you can do something about it. I know you are busy and may not have time to read his books, so I want to give you a little summary of the red flags that he’s found so that you can see if you are dealing with them in your relationship.īy the way – if you do have time, I highly recommend his book “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” – it’s a quick and easy read and offers some great information.įirst off, if you are experiencing any of these ‘symptoms’ of a relationship headed toward disaster, fear not.

Over the years, he has researched countless couples and has been able to predict with surprising accuracy which relationships survive and which fail. John Gottman, PhD, is a leading psychologist in the area of marriage and relationships.

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